Day Ten
WOW. I must say the discipline its taken for me to get to writing about my mundane life for ten whole days has been substantial, but I really do feel like its giving me a bit of a ritual, an anchor to make sure I am remembering who the F I am (my ex fiances dad told me, the last time I spoke to him that I needed to remember who the f*ck I am.. so I have def. been heeding that advice… HAH.
Last night I was on a roll and blogged like 4-5 posts ahead with old work and some personal posts. I still don’t know how I should present this site, it feels confusing so I am just going to keep posting whatever for now, and maybe curate it down when I feel more focused. Being a stay at home mom has my brain all disjointed and in the embracing of motherhood a second time around, I have had to dull myself a bit. I know that sounds awful, but its been a needed coping mechanism, and made accepting that my role in the world right now is to raise well-adjusted kids in a messed up society.. so… thats where most of my energy is, and this project is supposed to anchor me to myself, so as I get the time and freedom I can return more and more to myself and the things I love, like photography and art and yoga.. Right now all these things are in the in-betweens and that is wonderful for us right now. I am grateful.
Cobie and I watched Frozen this morning. Ana stayed up late and vegged out in her room until we had an early lunch of white pizza with our dough leftovers. Cobie got real ticked I won’t let her eat an endless amount of ice cream. Finding out that the period of time she was sitting on the steps being quiet and chill meant she was actually emptying a tube of chapstick onto the wooden trim under the banister… you know… Typical Wednesday.
I took C to the playground at City Park and she involved herself in a game of freeze unfreeze with kids who were all older than her.. it was pretty funny. I even watched from a bench for like 5 minutes for the first time ever. She is growing up for sure! I didn’t take my phone but I took my airpods -and let me tell ya, the ability to block out the majority of the screaming, was top tier self care. I honestly will be doing that every time we go now, it made the trip last longer because I was not getting so overstimulated. We came home and she got her second serving of ice cream for the day. So she is very happy.
I took a bunch of photos of C at the park, and I do have to say my assumption that the camp snap camera could serve as a stimulation for my ADHD brain was right. I really enjoy slowing down, not having my phone with me and engaging in taking photos, like its 1993. I am a fan.
I also cried in the car right before we left, because I realized I have been doing therapy EVERYDAY and even though I only see my therapist 2-4 times a month, I have been doing the work in my day to day and I want to get better. C-PTSD robbed me of so much already.. I don’t even like to think about it because its infuriating. But I am still here, and I think I am the only one who really knows how I am missing a lot of beats these days. But I felt a little emotional thinking I can help myself if I keep it up.. or at least raise the minimum of my quality of life. I am not exaggerating when I say my outer life which is wonderful does not match the inner life in my brain and every day there is struggle, even in the midst of making all these memories and loving being able to be here for C J a\
