Day Sixteen
So I combine a few days to make it easier on me, sue me! I was pretty sick over the weekend - taking my turn I suppose so give me a break on this one.
Tuesday April 2nd. My baby is 14 tomorrow.
FOURTEEN.
The most insane thing is that my actual CHILD will be going into a high school in the fall. She does not seem like she should be that age yet! The last couple years have just FLOWN by and I am so grateful for the extra childhood time we got with her during COVID when she did online school. After COVID protocols went back to normal and she was able to get back in the theatre… I feel like she just became a little adult who had her own life an schedule. She has blossomed through the trials of Middle School and she CANNOT wait to take the next step. I know its going to be time for her to drive before I even know it and we have been talking more about post high school things, just tossing loose plans around to get her thinking about all the amazing options that are going to be available to her. Theatre is obviously #1 (someone please get this girl in some broadway casting calls.. omg) but she is showing some interest in massage therapy or healthcare/nursing.. which would suit her big caring heart. Right now, I just want to soak up every second of the last 4 years of her being a kid.
TW: Suicide
It is hard to believe that at this point in my childhood, I was celebrating the first birthday I would have had without my mom around. I turned 13 in May and my mom killed herself October 13. So, I was right there in her age range when it happened and now that I can see my own daughter at that age, I have a shit ton of compassion for myself that I never did before. I suppose the message was “Nobody cares, work harder” and I just worked until I was at a place where noone could take any of my accomplishments away from me.. but it has been lonely and I miss having a relationship with my mom, and my adoptive mom (who passed when Ana was only 8 months old.)
I guess what Hope Edelman wrote in her book “Motherless Mothers” did serve as a fair warning about having kids that become the age you were when you experienced mother-loss, but no words could have described how much getting here has changed me. I mean, shit, I am writing a daily blog journal to try and learn how to live again and take care of myself.. if that doesn’t scream “things got really hard there for a minute” IDK what does.
Like most holidays, her birthday gives me another reason to miss my mom, and to feel abandoned by pretty much everyone in my family. Dramatic but not far off. I have been winging it alone since I was 15.. there were a few years where I had amazing stand-in parents I lived with from from 16-18 then it was off to college… I think those years with the J family made a huge difference in why I turned out okay. I got to see unconditional love and loosing Deb was the worst. I think I would be so much happier and I think I would have made a few better decisions in my life with her guidance.. but alas. we only get to do the best we can with what we have, and its gotten me a pretty beautiful life now that I intend to keep that way.
Ana is 14 and an honor student with a part time job performing. She’s a good head on her shoulders and a HUGE heart. I deeply hope high school broadens her horizons in all the good and right for her ways. I am so proud of past Allie for being right there for all of it. I can proudly say, I didn’t miss her childhood, I have so many good memories (most of which, I have to see photos of to remember thanks to C-PTSD) but still, I know that we have one of the most solid relationships because we have been through a lot individually, and together and nothing has shaken the love we have for each other. I just hope she never stops telling me who her crush is… <3
