Day Four
Remember when I said I double booked myself on Thursday.. well none of it mattered bc I had to cancel everything to be with a super sick little girl. She is puny and has not been far from me since Monday morning. Lots of cuddles and lots of extra napping.. “I don’t feel so good..” in a little raspy voice. I always hate to see the kids sick but they are a unique kind of sweet when they aren’t so busy being little and wound up.
She passed out hard on me, on the sofa this morning and Ravioli was trying so hard to get in the cuddle puddle… he is too heavy to lay on her like he does to me and G, but its funny watching him try. He went to bed with us last night too, and stayed in there with her for another hour after I left. I hope he always wants to love her like that.
I had a really hard time the last couple days with feeling like work taking a back seat is a bigger deal than it is.. it sucks and I think the unfairness of it gets me pissy.. but in reality I wouldn’t want it any other way and my clients are understanding people. I have to remember this is literally why I went to massage school.. so I could still have a semblance of a career while raising this little nugget.
Ladies.. my husband comes straight home from working his landscaping job and mows before he even comes inside. Porn for Wives right here. If he wanted to be a good man, he would be ladies.. just wanna make sure you know that because I excused bad behavior for a long time thinkin’ it was the best I’d get.. my advice is, go find more. I am infinitely better cared for and loved at 37 because I had the courage to leave a bad situation (and I shoud have left sooner…) don’t be like me and wait so long. Good dudes exist when we stop pushing them away for familiar chaos.. I can think of a few good dudes that showed interest over the years and I stayed in my comfortable chaos instead… but at 35 I wised up and married by best friend and things are as good as it gets for the part of life we are in. I cannot wait to be an empty nester with him and that is a peaceful feeling, knowing you got a good one who doesn’t make you question the relationship. GO.FIND.MORE. I literally used to joke that my hashtag was #imowmyowngrass because I mowed for YEARS. I still like to, but I have to beat him to it. It’s a nice feeling to know not everything is going to fall on me and it has taken a lotttt of getting used to and learning to trust that some people can be trusted… and I struggle all the time with it. He is patient and I am lucky.
I didn’t get a chance to paint today but I did draw with prismacolor pencils and there is just something nostalgic for me because those are what we used in college art school at Marshall. They are also so smooth and vibrant. Sponsor me Prismacolor… LOL I have been trying to make SOMETHING even if its small, every day just because it is such a peaceful moment for my brain. Even writing out these ramblings has given me a bit of the flow state that art gives me, so as cringe as these posts may read to others, I am going to keep trying to write and create everyday, and share it. Normalize normal life. I even love how the campsnap camera makes the photos imperfect. It really feels good to be accepting the images that turn out and forgetting the ones that don’t. Having fun in the process. That’s what this is all about.
Tonight, I broke out of the house for an hour and a half and taught my first yoga class, ever. I have been a yogi for 19 years - since I took my first class from an Indian professor at Marshall. Fun fact- its the only class my sister and I ever took together and it was as college students. I fell in love at first savasana. I think I snored. So it’s taken this long for me to finally just give in and do online training, because my life is always too busy for the in-person ones. So over the summer, when things were bleak and I was alone with C, I enrolled in My Vinyasa Practice and it took me a few months to get in the swing of it, but I was able to finish it in February and get my 200 hour cert. Yoga means a lot to me, and many people know I used to own the local yoga studio for about a year when I was only like 25 years old (INSANE) and I have wanted to get my cert since then and it seemed like the perfect chance to focus on the things I needed to learn in my own practice to get through this latest shit storm.
Now the name of the game in my life is alignment.. which means giving teaching after alllll these years of practice a try and hoping that something of what I have learned conveys.. but yoga has kept me in my body in times of crisis many time and I return to the mat when things are messy to make sure I don’t hide from the things my body tries to tell me… and it has helped a ton with my chronic pain.
As far as teaching, I wanted to just offer a single class and make sure I can actually do this (with my adhd brain) and like to do it.. and I think it went pretty well! We had a Taylor Swift playlist, but I don’t know I kind of just blacked out until it was over, but they asked me to come back so it must have been alright! The space I am teaching in is perfect for those of us who are not really looking to be in bright light while we stretch and flex, its all blue low light and nice new floors. I am going to be teaching there again April 4th at 6pm (Strength Warehouse) and were going to have a y2k playlist. Bring your millennial friends.
After yoga, and getting C to bed, I got in the new garage steam sauna for the first time… and I am SO glad I went for it and got it. I waited a few months before ordering to make sure I wasn’t going to loose interest.. but I was going to the Y 2-3 times a week for the steam room so it seemed worth a try, and yes it was! I will be using it a lot before bed bc it did help me feel ready for sleep.
