Day Three

C is pretty sick. Her dad gave her back to me with a fever and its been downhill since then. I am always happy to be the parent at the helm when she is sick, because she wants mom and I want to be there for her.. but woof it is never convenient.

We went to the pediatrician this morning because its been a few days but we were told fluids and rest, no strep, no ear infection, just viral.. so who knows how long this will be. All I think is, HOW do people who work handle these things? When she is sick, I am 95% of the time the person handling it.. I am so grateful I can, but it is so frustrating when it falls on me but I don’t feel appreciated for it, not to mention the income I have missed out on this week so far because of cancelling clients. It does add up. I often wonder if it is even worth having my business right now when so much of my life is dictated by a 4 year old.. who knows… just keep swimming..

This is the reality of co-parenting with an ex who does not get it. I have tried to get things with custody set up in a way that makes sense for C’s life as well as the reality that I am the one making the sacrifices to be available but I have been fought every step of the way. I don’t currently get child support but on the weeks she is sick, boy it would be nice to feel like I am not just twiddling my thumbs waiting to get back to work so I can afford things… I know some of you can relate. It is not about money as much as it is about fairness.

Regardless of everything that has happened and the position it has put me in with my career and after my many attempts to work with him to change the custody arrangement ourselves, I had to file for standard parenting three months ago with court and it doesn’t go to a judge until May 7th. It is very normal for changes with court to take 7-9 months and it is just, so annoying we cannot handle it ourselves and now I am being forced to take a more drastic approach. My older daughters dad and I always worked things out, because we didn’t feel comfortable letting a third party decide things for our kid. Doing whats best for her was easy! I MISS THAT.

It gives me horrible anxiety, so I have to not think about it until the week of court or I will go crazy.

Talking to him about it just puts the situation on a cycle of non-sense so we really don’t have another option.

Anyway… enough about that… ugh…

It’s been a day of fighting off old triggering feelings, like knowing I had a full schedule this week and now that money is evaporating because I am home with a sick kiddo. Nowhere I’d rather be, so grateful I am able to do this, and yet the trigger from years of survival mode still gives me panicky feelings that I have to try super hard to turn into gratitude. I AM SO THANKFUL for where I am now, and especially for knowing no matter what happens, I have support now. I love you, G. But this ish, is hard.

C was laying at the top of the stairs just like a puddle on the floor after we came home from the doctor. and it was so cute.. like I FELT that girl.. She perked up a bit in the mid day but crashed into her bed again at 3pm. Just watching shows and pushing fluids… overthinking every aspect of life and then painting a picture… repeat until bed time…

For art practice today, I tried to follow this YouTube tutorial of watercoloring a cat… but WOW, I struggle so much with process when its got a specific outcome. I am so much more comfortable doing abstract art, but thats why I have been trying to paint in different mediums and methods to push myself to focus more and whew… its not going well... My monkey brain just can not slow down and follow along in a sensical order. I just start going rogue then it looks like a dog… or just… not a good cat… but it was fun and served its purpose.. entertaining me while staying home with my 4 year old.

I am supposed to teach my first yoga class ever tomorrow.. so let’s hope I don’t catch what C has. I am starting to get a migraine.. so we shall see…

Next day update : I taught G my yoga class last night to practice and as soon as I was done, I went upstairs and passed OUT. I was fully in a migraine, which has been pretty rare in the last few years. I was DONE.