Day Two

Sleep was trash last night. Working out late gives me delicious endorphins and I take a while to calm down for bed.. then Cobie has this fever and needed me at 2 am. Then she wanted me again at 4am to lay with her for a while. She got sleepy and I got kicked out of her bed (this cracks me up) and we both slept until about 5:45 when she was ready to rock for the day. She has had a fever of 101+ today so just a lot of iPad and cuddle time today.. But, hey it is the first day of Spring.. :)

I am seeing already how blogging about my normal mundane day can possibly help me be accountable to do the things that make my mental health better. I guess in a way it feels like ya’ll are watching so I better behave.. whatever works. I hope that this sort of project also normalizes normal life to someone. I have always struggled to feel like I am not doing or being enough but the fact of the matter is, I have ADHD and seek sensory input and dopamine. I am actually probably doing too much.. and I am working on the mindset to let simple and peaceful be enough. Did you know its a trauma response to seek chaos? It’s familiar so it makes sense to somehow become uncomfortable when things are smooth sailing. It’s taken WORK to settle the heck down, but I do prefer the peace.. and you will too.

I am a little sore from the two gym trips this week so far, but it feels good. I like that feeling over the widespread neurological type pain I get when I do not workout and move my body. Hypermobility is weird, but learning to manage it has made a huge difference in my mood and pain levels. Non-negotiables for hypermobile people are staying hydrated, sleeping decently and MOVING YOUR BONES. If I get too sedentary, my nervous system seeks input.. I believe it likes the feeling of stability that using the muscles gives.. so far this week has been great for pain. I did YMCA twice and we went on a bike ride in the neighborhood. Tonight we are, in Garret’s words, going to “Practice Yoga & Eat Koba” which literally cracked me up so much when he wrote it on the calendar. I found my person ya’ll, he gets the way to my heart with his perfect little quirky things that make me laugh. We did eat Koba, but I was EXHAUSTED from dealing with a sick kiddo and we did not do ANYTHING else. This is so hard for me as a person who stays home with a toddler most days, by the time my husband is home, I am so tired and ready to vegetate then I beat myself up about it because I WANT TO DO THE THINGS. Being human and having limits is stupid.

In true Allie fashion - I overbooked myself Thursday and forgot I had an eye dr. appointment scheduled so I rescheduled online but I am not totally sure they cancelled the first one.. and I should just call but this is a weird thing about my brain. I do not care to call, I know its not a big deal and I know that.. but I start to be overwhelmed and weird about it and put it off. Is this Pathological Demand Avoidance? I never know if this is normal for others too or just normal for me. Anyway… I decided if I get another reminder call or text I will let them know… otherwise, I believe it was cancelled. How’s that for avoidance… fml. Then I start to think about Lasik… yeh my brain is non-stop…

Cobie wanted to paint this afternoon, and instead of doing her own, she painted over my cat painting for today, which has made me love it so much more. This is why somatic or process art is so much better for me right now than trying to achieve a certain idea or look in my work. I could work on something for days but I cannot say no when she wants to add her touches.

Her little hands flap while I am preparing the space for her to paint, and the absolute joy when she begins to mix colors. I just love her so much and I am glad she loves art too. It has been a very bonding activity for us and we do it almost every single day. Her whole wall is covered in her canvas paintings from last summer when it was just us all day everyday after we were struck with the CPS investigation that lead to nowhere… it kept us both entertained and she loved pretending like she was an artist in her gallery. So I guess that was a bright spot in all of that, I was reminded sharply how much I needed to stay hands on with her and now we are thick as thieves just goofin’ off everyday together.

Ravioli, the rotten boy

Boba, the mad man