Quitter.

I spend a year and a half building a business, with real life employees and payroll and direct deposit and everything - and had to leave it because of what happened last summer.

I will go back and tell the story, I know most people missed it… hell, maybe it will help process it more fully so it will stop affecting me so much all the time.

I am not a fan of daycare. I think that for the majority of people daycare is wonderful, but for my little neurodivergent squad, its not my top pick. My 13 year old is a product of being kept home with mom the first like 6 years of her life, and honestly I wouldn’t change a thing - even though it was a long road and a lot of work to be a work from home parent… it was worth it and she is spectacular. No REGERTS.

I was pushed into using a daycare for my younger daughter, by my ex, because it was the only way he could maintain his sense of being a 50% parent. I found a place I liked well enough, and it felt like this was the ONLY way we were going to make co-parenting work in the slightest. So I caved, and sure enough there was an opening sooner than we even wanted randomly come open. You do not take an opening at the daycare of your choice for granted, so we jumped on it and she started in the Summer of 2022. My ex was leaving my kiddo at daycare from the moment they opened to nearly the moment they closed, and I knew things needed to change.. I had researched a more pre-k style program and was about to bring it up to my ex and let him know that it was my preference to change her into a new school in the fall when the cops showed up at my door. It was like 11pm, totally unexpected and literally haunts me to this day. I have PTSD flashbacks when a car stops in front of our house (and thats no good, because we have a stop sign out front…)

Now WHY were the cops at my door? My husband and I were confused… and as soon as he opened the door, they separated us and started telling me that there has been an accusation that my husband RAPED my then 3 year old. He was taken over to the cruiser and I had no idea what was going to happen, but I knew he had NOT done what he was accused of. The ground under my feet felt like it was crumbling. They were demanding to talk to my 13 year old, who was OBVIOUSLY in bed asleep (and at her dads house!) I called her step mom and let her know the situation and she told me to have them come tomorrow - but THEY DIDN’T… those assholes went to my ex-husbands house and used flashlights to look in the windows and knock loudly and scare the hell out of everyone. Thank god my daughter slept through it - the police instructed them to bring her in for questioning but not to tell her why… (which is pretty messed up considering my kid has anxiety already, and the day care already flubbed up with the handling of the report.)

If you go look at the daycares google listing - we gave it 0 stars because we feel very strongly that the owner and her aide handled the situation abysmally and should have been held accountable for their actions and the trauma it inflicted on my family. The owner replied by copy and pasting the code that says they are forced by law to report abuse. That is not what my feelings are about - as if it had been reported - PROPERLY - the CPS investigators could have taken over and quickly would have found that it was unfounded. But instead - they went all CSI:daycare and interrogated her - and recorded it - while she was on the diaper changing table, bottomless. Then she was taken, by my ex, to a nurse for part of the investigation - without my consent or knowledge - even though I have final say on medical decisions. Not being there for that part haunts me, and pisses me off.

The next day, after the cops came by, trying to maintain normalcy, my husband, daughter and I were eating Pizza Hut delivery and playing in our house, and CPS showed up. They couldn’t believe he was home, and told me I was endangering my child by having him here - and I lit them up for how things were being handled as this was the first I had heard that he needed to stay away from her. The next time I saw the woman, she apologied to me - stating that she was not sure why anyone was even being investigated bc the daycare messed up the report so badly and overstepped their job by asking my daughter ANYTHING - especially while filming. I was basically being told “sorry this is happening to ya’ll but it could take 60-90 days.” it took TWELVE weeks for the police & CPS to send a report to the prosecutor and the prosectuor to drop it for being totally bogus and “unfounded.”

CPS informed me on the first visit they were dropping the case, but that the police would need to file their report… so I went to the police station and talked to the chief, called him two other times and got the run around about why the report had not been filed yet but we also had not heard or seen the cops again… so I called the prosecutors office, they said they were waiting on the police report… so I called the cops, then the prosecutor’s office… until they literally told me not to call anymore. I have never felt like more of a victim of the system. I felt like I was screaming into an abyss I had to cancel our summer vacation because my ex filed an ex-parte order to keep my husband away from my daughter - despite the fact that there was no medical evidence, no CPS investigation taking place and the cops had not been in touch. So if anyone wonders why my ex and I do not co-parent well.. let it be known that I tried and he takes every chance he can to hurt me and mess with my life.

Eventually we got a letter it was dropped, and it was still TWO more weeks that he held on to the ex-parte order before I eventually realized that I would have to lawyer up again, and after an email, and 3 more days… the exparte order was dropped and my family could be reunited.

This experience, on top of all the things that led to this experience, totally messed me up. I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD and it is, without a doubt, the craziest diagnosis. I sweat profusely while I sleep a few nights a week from nightmares or general unease. My therapist taught me the only way to heal, is rest, so plenty of sleep should be prioritized, but I have so many triggers in my day-to-day life that sometimes sleep is easy and other times, I struggle to wind down.

I never realized that a true mental breakdown could rob you of who you were.. but I am absolutely not the same. My capacity for tasks is at an all time low and everything I do takes longer than it normally would. I feel stupid sometimes, but I know its just that my nervous system shut down on me and it’s taking way too long to get it back up. My therapist tells me that I am have been overfunctioning for a very long time and this isn’t stupidity as much as it is a change from the break-neck pace of work and life I am used to maintaining - as a result of being in survival mode for nearly my whole life. She always makes me feel better but I struggle day to day to have grace for the reality of my life and the state of my brain.

I was attempting to help my friend grow her spa business - and we became business partners - but after like 18 months, I had to give her the business back. I am proud of what we accomplished, but with my diminished brain function, my custody schedule and the long commute - I was pretty much dead weight to the business and I didn’t want to see it fail because of some expectation I couldn’t meet.. and I have no idea when things will change. My kiddo is only 4 (just turned!) so it will be at least like 5 years until she is independent at all. So, I am a quitter. And it sucks.

Now, this post is not all gloom and doom.. so if you are holding out for a turn of mood.. here it comes.

My brain has responded well to less stimulus. Running a business is a lot of moving parts, especially when there are employees. I made the call to return to being 100% independent in my business and that has calmed my nerves quite a bit. I no longer get hit by unexpected stimulus at all hours of the day and even though I loved our team, this was the right choice for me.

2024 is a season of alignment for me and I am taking a heavy cull to all part of my life. “Does this spark joy?” not anymore? GONE. I am rekindling my relationship with myself, my passions and trying to life a lifestyle that makes me nervous system happy. I can’t pretend anymore that I can handle everything thrown at me, I can’t and the smart thing to do is minimize and slow down. I hope this gives someone permission to also be a quitter where the quitting is necessary. No one is coming to save you, but no one is coming to stop you either. Do what you need to do.